Much Needed Update

Wow, an update is much overdue!

I could spend pages and pages of how much my life has come full circle, but for now I will settle for a few paragraphs...

First, I am no longer working for Nikki Beach. In true Courtney fashion I quit my job with a huge dramatic display of emotion (found out my boss hires prostitutes everytime he visits the island from Miami, and not only promotes the huge problem of child prostitution that we have here, but also cheats on his fantastic wife). Needless to say, I am fairly certain I am no longer allowed on the property....

As is my relationship with God, when He wants to show me the light, He usually does it by first punching me in the face. Seems that is the only way that I recieve any messages, haha.

The very next day I started my work with Project Honduras. It is a non-profit organization that was thought up by a brilliant man named Joe Summers. Joe left his life in the States, sold everything he had and decided to invest all of his money into Project Honduras. He came to Roatan, and saw the immense amount of children living in extreme poverty and decided to do something about it (my kind of guy :)) . He hired on both myself and Rev. Bob to help him start the Project and we are now all working together in hopes that we will be up and running by October. The website is still a work in progress, but is http://www.hondomission.com/. Please click on and check it out!!!
More updates on the Project to come....

I took a trip to the mainland a couple of weekends ago, and as I was riding along through the mountains of jungle and valleys of tiny little villages, I realized the true depth of love and devotion that I have for this country. Honduras is not just land and water to me, it is the beat of my heart, the blood flowing in my veins, the song in my soul. Honduras is just as much a part of me as the air that I breath. My heart swells to more than I can handle with love for even the most horrendous part of the reality of this country.

We pass by a landfill where children are filling up empty bags with whatever food they can salvage. Houses made of nothing more than clay and a few sticks. Babies drinking coca-cola, because it is the only thing that is sterile. And I know that I would give everything in my being to take this country into my arms and fix every problem.

But the Lord has offered me a channel for all of this emotion in Project Honduras.

As I left the mainland and flew back to the Island, I realized that faith is much like flying. When you are on the ground, the trees and rivers and houses seem to be sparadic. Following no consistent pattern. But when you are looking at it all from above, you truly see the pattern in it all. Every single tree serves a purpose in the blueprint of the land.

And as we all stumble around on the Earth below, we can be rest assured that there is someone so much bigger than you or I that can see the layout of it all.

It is because of that assurance that my heart is finally at peace.

I am truly opening my ears and taking up my cross.

The Pressure that is her 1st Birthday Party

Sooo the Party didn't go as planned (as things that are planned rarely do), the Iguana Stew didn't show up and the Birthday Cake was MIA. But us Lenox's are known to pull something from nothing, and two hours later we had enough rice, chicken, and fruit to feed the whole community.

And interestingly enough, we actually did feed the whole community.

Not a single adult that I invited showed up.

Instead the people that came out to celebrate Danika's life with us were the Spanish street kids that I so often times wished in my head would just leave us alone.

They would come around every day asking to hold Danika and follow us around so close they would actually step on my heels. They would wait for my car to come around the corner after work everyday and chase it yelling , "Do-nika, Do-nika!!!" Their lives began and ended with their friend "Do-Nika". And Ms. Do-Nika loved them right back. Not sure if it was the actual kids' she loved, or the fact that she was ALWAYS the center of attention with them, but laughter knows no language, and friendship knows no culture, and theirs was a beautiful one.
Often times before they left they would ask for a simple drink of water from our water jug, and it would painfully remind me that clean water is a luxury item promised to no one down here.
There were times that I would look at their dirty clothes that had been worn for weeks in a row, and their dirty faces and hands, and make an excuse why they couldn't hold Danika. As if her clean clothes were too important for their dirty hands.

A pang of guilt washes over me as I watch them laughing and blowing bubbles at her Birthday in the very best dresses they could find. Clean face, clean hands, clean clothes. I think of them staying up all night scrubbing their church dresses until they were spotless, and my heart loves them so much more than I can even handle.

I pass out purple yarn for everyone to wear on their wrists as a symbol of love and support for Danika. They move their arms very carefully as to not break the yarn bracelet, and I know that months and months from now they will still faithfully be wearing her friendship bracelet.

They write on her posterboard words of love and friendship, and I know that they mean every single word.

They are honest. They are sincere. They are grateful. They are more perfect than any adult I have met thus far.

I watch my mom bring out more rice and chicken as the kids eagerly wait their turn to fill their plates. She tries to converse with them in the best way she knows how, hand gestures. I tell her that they don't understand her when she speaks English to them, but she tries anyhow. I can see her struggle with the language barrier, but her smiles and kind words don't need translation, they are understood perfectly.

Life works out perfectly, it always does. And there was no better way to spend my daughter's 1st Birthday.

Thank you God for this life that you have blessed me with.

Birthday Wishes

Just a quick note to everyone who sent Danika Birthday Wishes, THANK YOU!!!
Trust me, they made there way all the way over here and it was a fantastic birthday!! (Will tell all about it tomorrow I swear)

To Wendy and Grandma and Grandpa Lenox, thank you for taking the time to acknowledge the birth of my daughter. Although it might not always be expressed, Family does mean a lot to me, and even more to my daughter, so although I had hoped there would have been more than just two cards or emails from her entire family, I'm sure good thoughts were sent by the rest.


Love you all!!!

Love Letter to My Daughter on Her 1st Birthday

Danika Rain~

Our journey together began just one short year ago. It is amazing to me that we have known each other for only 625 days, yet I feel you have been etched in my heart for all my life.

You have become as natural to me as the air that I breathe, the beat of my heart, the blink of my eye. You are my weakness and my strength. My tears and my laughter. The end of one chapter, and the beginning of another. One we will write together. Our tears and our laughter will splash on the pages of our journey, our story will be written with victories and with hardships. Both will taste sweeter and be cushioned lighter as we brave the storm in each other’s arms.

You have taught me more than I ever thought humanly possible. A tiny little Buddha trapped in such a small body. For 23 years I have searched for something that I had no idea how to find. And in one short year you have shown me through your not always quiet wisdom, what true love feels like.

After 23 years of restlessness, my heart is at peace.

And although I am supposed to be the protector and the provider, you my love, have been both for our small yet completely perfect little family we have created together. You have protected my heart with your stubby little fingers, promising to never let anything happen to it that we can’t mend together. And you have provided us with more laughter and insight into this world than all the visas stamped in our passports combined. And every brief glimpse that you allow me to see the world through your eyes, is a glimpse into what heaven truly must look like. For you hold no anger, no negativity, no ill will, for anything. You look at everything around you, including me, with the perfect love that God has wished for us all.

We have created quite the indestructable tribe, you and I. It is as though we speak a language no one can understand, a secret that we hold behind our eyes that no one else can see.

I am so in love with you. It overwhems me at times the capacity of love that my heart can hold for you.

You patiently wait as I fumble around trying to figure out the how and where of our life story. You look at me and silently assure me that as long as I am there, you don’t care where in this world we are. And as I look around in growing panic at the world I have brought you into, you smile at me and splash happily in the bucket of cold water that is now your “tubby”.

This past year has brought us in and out of many trials, and although I wish everyday for the power to be able to promise you no more, I know that you trust unconditionally that I will keep us safe through the storms.

You have changed the way that I think, the way that I speak, the way that I act. You take my breath away everyday.

You have made me the person I have always wanted to be, just by allowing me to be your mom.
I thank God everyday for choosing me for this great and powerful role.

You are the light that leads me to the place where I find peace, the strength that keeps me standing, the hope that keeps me trusting, the breath in my soul, you are my purpose, you are my everything…

Ms. Danika Rain, I promise you today, that I will spend every waking minute trying to make you feel the way that you make me feel every second of everyday.

I love you so much more than even my heart can hold.


Love,

Mom

The Reason I Won't be Celebrated on Mother's Day (A Late Entry)

I promised myself I would tell no one my deepest, darkest secret. And now, on Mother’s Day, I am going to tell everyone…

There is a very good reason why I should not be celebrated. You see, my deepest, darkest secret actually happened on this very Mother’s Day.

A very dear friend of mine sent me an amazing book entitled The Anatomy of the Spirit, and now in an effort to cleanse my spirit, I have decided to be completely vulnerable and honest about my shortcomings. And trust me, this is a big one.

So here goes….

It being Mother’s day, and me being totally exhausted from Danika being up all night (apparently she realized that Mother’s Day begins at midnight and decided she just had to spend the entire night awake with me), I decided in a moment that I am not proud of, that it would be parentally acceptable for me to lay with Danika on the floor as she plays and maybe catch a little shut eye. P.S the floor is tile and Danika loves to pull herself up on things and occasionally falls backward (just to make the story even worse).

What felt like 20 seconds later (but turned out to be a half hour), I woke up in a moment of panic as a I searched the room for her, a million thoughts going through my head about what could’ve happened. And there she was, my little angel, sitting on the floor just as quiet and calm as a…wait a minute, quiet and calm, my daughter, oh god somethings wrong! As I got closer I realized that she was eating something (the worst moment in parenting history is approaching), and I let out a yelp as I realized what it was…

Danika had pooped her diaper and was now shoving her hand in the side of it and removing pieces and shoveling them into her mouth.

I yelled out “Danika, no stop!!!” She paused, looked straight into my eyes, and in total awareness of her disobedience put the piece she had in her hand directly into her mouth.

I grabbed her and wiped her hands quickly before any more would find its way into her mouth, apologizing over and over for falling asleep.

And just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse…

I looked Danika straight in the eye and asked her to forgive me. She just looked at me as if she understood what I was saying, and burst out in the biggest smile I ever seen, a tiny piece of poop dangling from her top tooth.

It is because of that moment that I refuse to be celebrated today.

Today My Daughter Touched a Jaguar

Along with building the most amazing resort in history, Nikki Beach also funds an animal reserve on site that takes in rescued animals that have been captured by hunters and sold on the black market. One such animal is a 5 month old jaguar named Sumo. He was sold to an American business owner on the mainland of Honduras by a poacher who had killed his Mom and was looking to sell Sumo as a pet. The American bought Sumo from the poachers and promptly brought him here to the Nikki Beach Reserve. He was sick, malnourished, and on the brink of death. The Vet here nursed him back to health and now he is the healthiest, most lovable animal you could ever meet. He plays with dog toys and gets so excited when he sees people coming that he forgets about his size and throws himself at you. If you put your hand up to his cage (cage is an understatement, Sumo has an actual replica of a jungle as a home, it's the next best thing to actually being in the jungle, trust me) he will put his paw on your hand begging you to play with him. I will use any and every excuse to go down to the reserve to see the animals, but was waiting on the perfect opportunity to bring Danika down.

Yesterday was it.

Danika squealed at the monkeys chattering and jumping down to harmlessly grab at her feet, pointed at each one of the exotic parrots and mackaws squawking at us as we threw them pieces of fruit, but I have never seen her make the face that she did when she saw Sumo up close and personal. She was utterly stunned. She stared at him with her mouth wide open and her eyes even wider. She didn't even make a move. She wasn't scared, just in awe of this creature that was too big to be a "puppy" but didn't look like a human. Sumo seeming to know that he was in the presence of something slightly more delicate than he was used to, very gently stood up to reach where my hand was placed. His face was right next to Danika's. Danika very slowly took her tiny little pointer finger and placed it directly on the pad of Sumo's paw. Sumo just stood there as Danika poked his paw again and again, looking up at me with her mouth still wide open.

Another moment of paradise.

I then took her over to the most dynamic of all of the creatures there; a two toed sloth named Guillermo. Guillermo has a big attitude, but can only move in slow motion so it makes it all the more funny to see him fuss at you. He is easily the ugliest creature I have ever seen but he certainly doesn't know it.

I saved the best for last with my two favorite animals in the reserve. Two big fat old monkeys named Gordo and Blanche. Gordo is named Gordo because that's exactly what he is, fat. He was captured and sold as a pet to an American family who fed him candy and pop until he became so sick that they didn't want him anymore. Now he eats fruits, vegetables, and has the occasional treat of sweet coconut. He is still fat, but getting healthier and healthier by the day. He is very outgoing and when he sees you coming, he runs and puts his whole arm out to touch you. Mouth wide open in what looks like a snarl, but is actually a smile.
Blanche is an old lady that was also used as a pet. She is missing a finger for some unknown reason and is very very frightened of humans (one could only guess why). She does not trust anyone, but has decided to trust me for some reason. When I come around her she gently sticks her hand out to me and we just stand there holding hands like old friends. I don't make any sudden movements around her, and don't pet her or feed her treats. She wants nothing more than to hold my hand as I talk softly to her about anything and everything. Sometimes she closes her eyes as I talk as if she is imagining all the beautiful things I describe to her.

It makes me sick to think that people could abuse these beautiful creatures and the reality of poachers in Central America is very much a part of day to day life, a fact that I single handedly can do nothing about. As long as there are people who are willing to buy, then there are poachers that are willing to sell.

I will make note that the reserve is not yet open to the public and when it is, the public will not get to have the same experience that I was able to share with Danika. The animals will be viewed from a far and treated as though they are wild.

For now, I will enjoy every second I possibly can with Blanche, Sumo, and the rest of the gang. I try not to show my sadness for the freedom that they have so unfairly lost, although I'm sure they can feel it in my touch and see it in my eyes. I am sorry for all that they have gone through for the sake of other's, but I am thankful that the Lord has brought them here, a fate that very few others will get to see.

See bottom of page for a picture of Danika and Blanche.

Very Unlikely Roommates

I have three obnoxious roommates that share my space, eat my food, but refuse to help me pay rent.

One, we will call him Larry, resides strictly in the kitchen. He eats any and all crumbs of food that might have been dropped and hides in the most inconvenient places.

Larry is a cockroach, and a big one too.

He comes out every night to inspect the happenings of the kitchen and leaves every morning to give me my space. I respect him and he respects me. It's a very unique and ugly relationship. I know that if I enter the kitchen anytime after 8, I can expect to see Larry creeping around on the floor by the refridge. He stops whenever I enter the room and looks at me with a look that I can only describe as inconvenienced. It's as if we share custody of the kitchen and I am infringing on his time. I can honestly say that I have not had any desire to kill Larry, but know that even if I did, I would have no idea where to start. You see Larry is territorial, and not a bit afraid of me. There has been two occasions in which I have entered the kitchen in a sleepy haze and have not been aware of Larry's where abouts and he has actually walked over my foot. I have no doubt in my mind, should I choose to try and end his life, that he would put up quite a fight.
(P.S. He's about as long as my index finger.) And so I choose to pick my battles and he is not it.

The second, we will call Harry, lives in the hallway and is quite a bit more spasodic than Larry. He is an ant, and the biggest ant I have ever seen. I mean you can actually see this guy move in the dark. He does not enjoy my company in the least bit and scurries up the wall everytime I walk by. Unlike Larry however, Harry seems to be all bark and no bite, and doesn't get into any of my things, so I let him rule the hallway as he so chooses and try not to disrespect him in front of his ant friends by scaring him too often.

The third, and by far the most annoying roommate, we will call Big Mama. She resides in the bathroom, and although I have left the door open on many many occasions, refuses to leave. It's as if she is challenging me. Short of killing her, there is nothing I can do.
She is a spider, and not just any spider, I'm talking Charlotte's fat cousin spider. This thing could barely fit in my palm (if for some reason I ever decided it would be a good idea to put a possibly poisonous tropical spider in my palm, she would not fit). She also only comes out after dinner time and can be found in three very specific places (not that you have to look too hard to find her).
On the clothes hamper, on the wall by the garbage can, and my least favorite, on the toilet bowl.
She also seems to be harmless in that she has yet to attack me, however any attempts of mine to stomp my foot to get her to leave have been completely fruitless. She has called my bluff, seen that I am too soft to harm her, and taken complete advantage of my weakness.
I have gotten used to her presence at this point, and can honestly say that the only time I'm really nervous about entering the bathroom is when I can't see her. The possibility of her resting on my brush as I reach into the drawer without looking to grab it frightens me far more than knowing she is sitting by the garbage (in which case I would walk my garbage out to the kitchen, in truth I would rather see Larry than Big Mama, but just barely). I realize that my bathroom experience is completely dictated by an animal that is about 1/100 my size, and I have gotten very good at brushing my teeth while keeping one eye on her furry fat little behind just in case she decides to make a move.

My friend offered to "remove" her a few days ago, and I was immediately disgusted with the thought of her being killed due to my comfort level. What about her family? What if she really is Charlotte's fat cousin?
The thing about it is you never really know their story, and whose to say that she wasn't there first? Maybe she watches me just as careful thinking the very same things that I am.

I am moving into a new and improved apartment the 1st of June, and although I will not think twice about leaving my "friends" behind, I can honestly say that Larry, Harry, and Big Mama have been more tolerable than some of my roommates in the past.